Picking The Perfect Partner For Your Portfolio Of Love

Standing on summer’s doorstep always makes me feel frivolous. Not to mention that I’m a tad tired of those wacky jokesters over at the DealBreaker Web site having all the fun. I mean, they get to cuss and everything.

This week, they zeroed in on a swanky little New York City affair called Fashion Meets Finance. Sponsored by PocketChange, a company claiming to “present the city’s most expensive goods and services for every multimillionaire on your list,” FMF was based on the idea that “women in fashion need men who can facilitate their pre-30 marriage/retirement plan, and men in finance need women who will allow them to leverage their career in their dating equity.” Apparently, the two groups are destined for each other, and PocketChange simply provided a posh venue (Taj) and a few cases of free Rolling Rock to jump start the inevitable.

Clearly, the possibilities for clever mockery here are enough to bring tears of pure delight to the eyes of your average smart aleck journalist, and I admit I do not possess the wherewithal to resist. However, in the interest of our niche market, I’ve decided to focus my matchmaking efforts on the debt markets’ buy side and its various personality types. Though first I offer you a couple of disclaimers:

No. 1: I sincerely believe that none of you, gentle readers, would ever try to pick up some skank in a bar by employing the line, “I work in finance.” No. 2: In the interest of gender equality, I put forth that both the debt market buy sider and said skank could be of either gender.

Now without further delay, my clever theory: Senior secured bank debt investors, by their nature, prefer minimal risk and enjoy the reassurance that all is taken care of. Therefore, an appropriate match for them might be someone who takes care of things, such as a doctor or an accountant.

High yield bond investors tend take larger risks, and they appreciate a long-term payoff. They wouldn’t mind waiting, say, 10 years for a mate to reach his or her full potential. So maybe a tech entrepreneur or someone in the arts—a screenwriter, for example—might make a good match for them. (Likewise, CDS investors might also be drawn to entrepreneurial or artistic types, though in their case betting their partner will fail.)

And finally, distressed debt investors find attraction in the busted up and worn bare, and therefore need a mate they can fix. Say, a senator or a crack ho. Wow, I’m actually not bad at this. If they fire me for using the word skank in a column, I’ll have something to fall back on.

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