300 Million American Heads Simultaneously Explode
March 26, 2009
After months of infighting and finger pointing regarding the countrys financial crisis, the heads of the citizens of the United States of America today collectively exploded. All 300 million are dead.
The mass explosion of American heads, which took place at 11:47 EST, appears to have been caused by profound frustration. Apparently, the citizens of this once envied nation suffered from a chronic lack of understanding for one another, which had plagued them for centuries. Native born and immigrants, rich and poor, black and white, dog lovers and cat enthusiasts. No one got anyone else, fueling a deep sense of resentment that, in the end, turned deadly.
The final straw, as Americans used to say, came in the form of vicious disagreements over how tax dollars used to bailout Americas financial institutions were being spent, according to reports from foreign press and tourists. Apparently, an utter lack of empathy and comprehension for the other side brought out the worst us-versus-them mentality the U.S. had seen since its November election.
One man ran out of that building there, said Klaus Ehrlichmann, a German tourist who was enjoying a late morning stroll down New Yorks Wall Street. He screamed, They dont understand finance! They dont understand capitalism! I dont want to live in France! I dont want to live in France! Then, his head exploded. I ran to help, but another man grabbed my jacket, Why do they hate me? he cried. I trade muni bonds! Then, his head exploded. It was very sad.
Susie Crenshaw, a Canadian journalist working in St. Louis, offered this account: I went down to get a coffee at the diner and everybody was grumbling and swearing. I said, Whats all this aboot? And the waitress at the cash register screamed at me, I work 12 hour shifts and I dont get no stinkin $750,000 bonus! Wheres my bonus? Wheres my bailout? Then a guy sitting at the counter yells, Poor babies losin their summer homes! Ill cry you a river after you spend eight years livin in a van! They dont get it! They just dont get it! Then their heads exploded. Every last head in the place.
The unprecedented phenomenon reached even sensible Americans. In Portland, Oregon, a group of Japanese visitors was strolling along the Willamette River, when a woman on a bicycle appeared to lose control and veered toward them. She scream, Half blame Wall Street, half blame the government! said the groups translator, who asked to remain unidentified. Then she scream, Where is personal responsibility? Nobody take responsibility for nothing! Ahhhhhhhh!!!! Then her head explode.
Little more can be gleaned from the situation, as anyone who might investigate is dead. However, there is strong suspicion that the media is to blame.