300 Million American Heads Simultaneously Explode
March 26, 2009
After months of infighting and finger pointing regarding the country’s financial crisis, the heads of the citizens of the United States of America today collectively exploded. All 300 million are dead.
The mass explosion of American heads, which took place at 11:47 EST, appears to have been caused by profound frustration. Apparently, the citizens of this once envied nation suffered from a chronic lack of understanding for one another, which had plagued them for centuries. Native born and immigrants, rich and poor, black and white, dog lovers and cat enthusiasts. No one “got” anyone else, fueling a deep sense of resentment that, in the end, turned deadly.
The final straw, as Americans used to say, came in the form of vicious disagreements over how tax dollars used to “bailout” America’s financial institutions were being spent, according to reports from foreign press and tourists. Apparently, an utter lack of empathy and comprehension for “the other side” brought out the worst us-versus-them mentality the U.S. had seen since its November election.
“One man ran out of that building there,” said Klaus Ehrlichmann, a German tourist who was enjoying a late morning stroll down New York’s Wall Street. “He screamed, ‘They don’t understand finance! They don’t understand capitalism! I don’t want to live in France! I don’t want to live in France!’ Then, his head exploded. I ran to help, but another man grabbed my jacket, ‘Why do they hate me?’ he cried. ‘I trade muni bonds!’ Then, his head exploded. It was very sad.”
Susie Crenshaw, a Canadian journalist working in St. Louis, offered this account: “I went down to get a coffee at the diner and everybody was grumbling and swearing. I said, ‘What’s all this aboot?’ And the waitress at the cash register screamed at me, ‘I work 12 hour shifts and I don’t get no stinkin’ $750,000 bonus! Where’s my bonus? Where’s my bailout?’ Then a guy sitting at the counter yells, ‘Poor babies losin’ their summer homes! I’ll cry you a river after you spend eight years livin’ in a van! They don’t get it! They just don’t get it!’ Then their heads exploded. Every last head in the place.”
The unprecedented phenomenon reached even sensible Americans. In Portland, Oregon, a group of Japanese visitors was strolling along the Willamette River, when a woman on a bicycle appeared to lose control and veered toward them. “She scream, ‘Half blame Wall Street, half blame the government!’” said the group’s translator, who asked to remain unidentified. “Then she scream, ‘Where is personal responsibility? Nobody take responsibility for nothing! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!’ Then her head explode.”
Little more can be gleaned from the situation, as anyone who might investigate is dead. However, there is strong suspicion that the media is to blame.
2 Comments
I love this....LOL
Posted by: Alex D | March 28, 2009 7:27 AM
Carol - I love it. Your talents are wasted. You should be writing for John Stewart or the Colbert Report.
Keep it up. Have a great weekend.
Steve
Posted by: Steven B | March 27, 2009 12:14 PM
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